Lord Of The
By Moshe Morrison
Editor's Note: It is a long standing custom to
celebrate Purim with jocularity and just plain silliness. Laughter is
sometimes the most appropriate response to the tenuous frailty of this
world. Not only is Moshe Morrison our resident Khakham (wise man), he is
also our chief jokester. Please be advised: when reading this re-telling
of the tale, insert tongue firmly in cheek.
In the beginning of the first age God created the heavens and the
earth. On the sixth day He created man and woman and placed them in a very
special garden. Their names were Adam and Eve and everything growing in the
garden was available to bless them.
However there was one special tree in the garden from which God had
forbidden them to eat. It was the tree of the golden "Hamantashen." Its
fruit was triangular and about the size of a woman's hand. Its outside
texture was much like cookie dough and each one was filled with a gooey
substance that looked like poppy-seed paste. Each piece of fruit had a
subtle golden sheen. Anyone who ate one of the fruits would have great
power over others, but would be corrupted by it and led down evil paths.
Sadly, Adam and Eve were deceived by the lies of an ancient serpent which
was also living in the garden.
The smooth words of the serpent clouded the minds and hearts of Adam and
Eve. They disobeyed God who had given them so much and they ate the golden
Hamantashen. As a consequence they lost their place in the garden and were
driven out by God. However, they secretly took one piece of the forbidden
fruit with them (easier to do since they were now wearing clothes). From
the time it left the garden, the golden Hamantashen hardened so it was
impossible to eat it or damage it in any way. Its power increased greatly
until it was no longer necessary to eat it but only to wear it on the body.
It was given to their son Cain who killed his brother and then became a
wanderer. In his journeys the golden Hamantashen was lost and passed
through many hands, corrupting everyone who had it. At the time of the
great flood it was hidden in the bottom of Noah's ark by a chimpanzee.
Years after the flood, the golden Hamentashen came into the hands of a
hunter who killed the chimpanzee. This hunter's name was Nimrod and he
founded Babylon and became its wicked king. Like so many others, Nimrod was
betrayed by its power and his kingdom fell and the evil fruit found its way
to Egypt where it was held by the Pharaohs.
The people of Israel were slaves to the Egyptians but the God of Israel
came and set His people free. When Pharaoh and his armies chased them into
the Red Sea, he and the Egyptians were drowned and the golden Hamantashen
that Pharaoh had been wearing around his neck washed up on the shore of the
Sinai desert where it was found by the king of the Amalakites.
Later it came into the hands of Goliath, but after he was killed by David
it went to King Saul who was corrupted by it. After Saul's death it
disappeared for many years until it was found quite by accident by an
innocent Jewish Hobbit named Baruch Bagginstein just before the destruction
of the first Temple. Not knowing what to do with it, Baruch hid it in a
sack with a bunch of odds and ends that he intended to sort through some
The home town of Jewish Hobbits, Jeru-shire-lem was invaded by the
Babylonians, Baruch and his wife were killed, but their little girl Esther
Bagginstein was spared and went into exile, watched over by her cousin
Mordechai Gandalfsky. Little did she know as they settled into their new
home in Babylon that among the few items left to her by her parents was the
golden Hamantashen of power. Neither did she have any knowledge of what it
could do. But Mordechai Gandalfsky knew exactly what they had on their
Mordechai told the story of the golden Hamantashen to his young cousin and
explained to her that the person who possessed it could rule the world, but
consequently would become more and more evil.
Esther was frightened and asked if it was the real thing in hopes that it
was not. Mordechai said there was a way to prove it, and he told Esther to
throw it in to the fire burning in the fireplace. If it was genuine it
would not be harmed. Esther did as she as told. She exclaimed, "It's
glowing, but not burning!" Mordechai said, "Take it out. You'll find
it is cool to the touch. Look on the back and tell me if you see anything."
At first Esther saw nothing. "Wait a moment," she said, "there is some
writing appearing." It said,
"Golden Hamantashen to rule them all, Golden Hamantashen to find them.
Golden Hamantashen brings them all, into the darkness and binds them."
Esther wanted to throw it away immediately, but Mordechai pointed out that
it would only find its way into other hands and continue to create more
evil in the world. It must be destroyed and there was only one way to do
it. It must be thrown into the fire of evil from Mt Doom by the hand of an
evil man himself. Though it seemed to Esther and Mordechai that there was
no way for that to transpire, they agreed to keep it hidden and trust God
for the solution.
Not long after this, Vashti, the wife of the king of Babylon was thrown out
of the palace because she was rebellious. The king decided that he needed
to find a new wife. All the beautiful maidens of the kingdom were called to
the palace where they would compete to see who would be the new queen.
Esther also was among the young ladies. Her cousin Mordecai had warned her
to keep her Jewish Hobbit identity secret. Wearing high heel shoes helped
doubly. They raised her above the average Hobbit height and covered her
very hairy Hobbit feet. Her long curly hair covered her pointed ears.
The day of the great beauty contest came and all the lovely ladies stood
before the king. Esther was loveliest of them all and was crowned the new
Soon after Esther became queen and moved into the palace, her cousin
Mordechai discovered a plot by some Orcs who planned to sneak into the
palace to kill the king. He sent a message to Esther about it. She told
the king, and the Orcs were captured and executed. And it was written in
the King's record books that a man named Mordecai Gandalfsky had saved
After this, the king promoted a new second in command to help him run the
kingdom. His name was Haman Sauron. He was mean, nasty and evil, and wanted
to rule the world. By magic he knew that the golden Hamantashen of power
had found its way back into the kingdom of Babylon. (It had not been in
Babylon since the days of Nimrod.) If he could get his hands on it, then
nothing could stop him! He also suspected that the golden Hamantashen was
in the hands of the Jewish Hobbits and that they were an obstacle to his
dreams of ruling the world. The combination of Haman Sauron and the golden
Hamantashen would surely be the end of all the goodness in the world.
One day walking down the street, he came face to face with Mordechai
Gandalfsky. Unlike most others, Mordechai was unafraid and refused to bow
to him. Haman was furious and raised his staff to strike Gandalfsky. But
Mordechai was faster and stronger, countering Sauron's attempted blow
with his own staff, driving the shocked Haman up against a wall. He
shouted, "You'll pay for this Gandalfsky, you and all your Jewish
Hobbits. I know your secret and it won't be yours for long."
Humiliated, Haman went to the king and told him lies about the Jewish
Hobbits. He made the king think that they were a threat to his kingdom. He
had the king sign an edict allowing for the murder of the Jews and the
plundering of their possessions. He told the king that his servants would
personally supervise the deposit of the treasures into the royal
treasuries. What he did not tell the king was if the golden Hamantashen was
found, it would be brought immediately to Haman.
As soon as the edict was published, Mordecai went to Esther and asked her
to plead for mercy before the king. Esther was fearful because it was
against the law to just walk into the king's presence without being
called. She could lose her life.
"Yes it is dangerous," Mordecai agreed, "but these are perilous times."
Esther lamented, "I wish it need not have happened in my time."
Mordecai responded, "So do I and so do all who live to see such times. But
that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with
the time that is given us. If you don't go, relief and deliverance
will come to the Jews another way, but you and your father's house
shall perish." Esther Bagginstein drew herself up to her full 3'4"
height and declared, "Go and call all the Jewish Hobbits to a three day
fast. Then after that, I will go to the king. And if I perish, I perish!"
After three days Esther went to the king who was very happy to see her. She
told him she was preparing a special lunch the next day and that he and
Haman Sauron were invited. The king was delighted and so was Haman.
However, that night the king could not sleep. To occupy his mind, he was
reading through the palace records. There he discovered that a certain
Mordecai Gandalfsky had saved his life and had never been rewarded. The
king then called for Haman Sauron to come so he could get his counsel as to
what to do. Hearing that the king desired to honor someone, the egotistical
Haman thought it was him. He therefore described a scenario wherein the
honoree would be led through the streets in the king's garments, in
the king's chariot, with a noblemen walking ahead proclaiming the
king's favor on him.
The king thought it was a wonderful idea and ordered Haman to do it for
Mordechai Gandalfski. Sauron was horrified, but did as he was commanded.
The whole time he was thinking of fiendish ways he could kill Mordechai. He
returned home just in time to leave for the Esther's luncheon. It made
him feel a little bit better to think that the queen had specifically
After they had snacked awhile on tasty hors d'oeuvres, the king asked
about the main course. Esther replied, "Well your majesty, there is a
problem. I prepared all these burgers, but when I went to find the grill, I
discovered someone had borrowed it and had failed to bring it back."
Haman, seeking to ingratiate himself with the queen, eagerly offered his.
"I have one you can use and I always keep a fire burning in it." (He
chuckled to himself thinking about how he had originally kindled this fire
with coals from the fires of evil on Mt Doom.).
Esther thanked him as he eagerly ran out to get it. In his brief absence,
the king spoke. "Esther, this is a wonderful party. I am so pleased, what
can I do for you. Ask me anything, even up to half my kingdom."
Esther cried out, "I plead for my life, and the life of my people. For we
have been sold to be destroyed and annihilated!"
The shocked king also cried out. "Who are your people and who would do such
a thing?" "Well, since you haven't noticed that I am short and have
pointed ears...I am Jewish and the Hobbits are my people. And the one who
has done this is the wicked Haman Sauron!" she shouted, turning and
pointing her finger at the returning Haman.
Haman Sauron (putting down the grill and drawing his sword) declared his
intentions. "Yes, it's true. I intend to take over the world, and
I'm starting here with the kingdom of Babylon. I'm going to kill
both of you. All my servants that I have placed in strategic places will
back me up when I take the throne. Then after I have killed all the Jewish
Hobbits and found the golden Hamantashen nothing can stop me."
"Can we talk about this a bit more?" asked the king.
Esther suggested perhaps they could have some burgers and possibly
Haman responded, "I'm not interested in negotiations, but I am still
hungry. Give me those burgers and I'l;ll put them on the grill.
I'm not such a bad guy. I'll let you have one last meal before I
Esther handed him the burgers, one of which was twice the size of all the
"Hey this one is really big, just right for me." boasted Haman as he put
them on the grill.
As the flames enveloped the burgers and smoke rose from the grill, the
wicked Haman Sauron began to turn pale. His skin began to dry out and
shrivel. He staggered. "What's happening?" he cried, "I'm
feeling weaker. I'm losing all my strength. I'm dying. How can it
be?" Esther Bagginstein clapped her hands. "It's the golden
Hamantashen you fool. I wrapped it in ground beef so you would not
recognize it and now you yourself have put it on the fire of evil and it is
being destroyed and you with it!"
As Haman Sauron fell to the ground dead, Mordechai Gandalfsky walked in.
"Mazal Tov, Cousin Esther. Not only have you rescued your people, but you
have rid the world of a great evil." he said.
Esther turned to the king. "This is my cousin Mordechai Gandalfsky. Without
his help I never could have done it."
The king was very pleased. "Gandalfsky, you've done it again. I'm
going to make you second in command in my kingdom."
Mordechai replied, "Thank you your majesty. I'm honored. For my first
official act in my new position I would like to establish a holiday to
commemorate this victory. We will call it Purim which in the ancient Hobbit
language is translated "Esther's Burgers.""
Both Esther and the king asked, "How will we celebrate it?"
Mordechai Gandalfsky answered, "We will do silly plays and eat Hamantashen,
only not made of gold."
There was also some talk about grilling burgers, but that was transferred
to Israel Independence Day.